depression

Frustration flows through her veins. Everyday the inner strain grows greater and greater, ripping her apart from the inside. With each pump of her heart, she pulses pain. Redefining the meaning of a broken heart, she has nothing left to smile for. Trapped inside a body of self-defined flaws, mirrors pour nothing but constant insecurities into her closed mind. Her throat burns with good intentions, but she has built a tolerance to the bottle she holds. Her lungs breathe the truth, but only lies can be found through the smoke on her tongue. Whimpering whispers in her head yearn to be heard. Her mother's voice whispers into her ear as it often did. "Each day is a new day, some are good and others are not. Don't give up on a bad day, because a good one is one its way." The calm, loving voice almost sounds convincing some days. Today was not one. Withering in self-pity, she grabs the half empty bottle of clear liquid. As she puts the bottle up to her cherry lips, her green and brown bracelet slid genitally, gracefully down her scared wrist. Memories dive into her ceriberial fluid and poke at her tender conscience. Fighting with all her power to suppress these thoughts of her past, she downs the rest of her good intentions. Green and brown flashes in front of her eyes. Memories pour in with perfect chronologly. His face shinned with devosion and charm.

I couldn't finish this because I was getting too sad. But someday I will.

Truly Alone

As I stared into the deep darkness of my night time room, I began to think about how my life is very similar to my room. Music flows through the walls and empty space of my room in sight and sound. Instruments fill every corner of my lonely enclosure. My bookshelf tells its very own story: the story of my past. Childhood memories are encrypted on the pages of Dr. Seuss and R.L. Stine. My desk, overwhelmed by a mixture of music and paint, sits in a mess underneath my very own political campaign poster, a token of my greatest day. Poems, lyrics, gameboy games, hats, and dress shoes occupy a seat on my couch, leaving only space for two. Clutters of cloths fill my closet, struggling desperately to escape, while my pressed suit hangs nicely above the madness. Pictures line the walls, everyone laced with a memory of people and events. And the centerpiece of my domain is my bed. Nice and clean, with a type of organized chaos, my bed gives me the comfort I need during rough times, the warmth I need on cold nights, and a place to think, to dream. My room is a lot like my life. It truly shows who I am, in every area of my life. But like my life, the lights can turn off, making it difficult to do much of anything. When the lights go off, everything turns into a blur, nothing is clear. I stumble over things I knew was in the way, but couldn't see. I cannot see the faces in the pictures on my wall. I cannot see my music or my paints on my desk. I cannot read my childhood books. I am in total darkness. Completely alone. Nothing but my mind and my body, battling for the control. My body, the all knowing of everything physical. My mind, my conscious, knowing all of my dreams and aspirations. Neither one can be in control, but neither one is aware of that fact. We are all truly alone. And even thought I am in my bed, my place of comfort, I am lost in my room, in life. Only to wait for the light to come back on.

Racist?

As many of you know, to day, for halloween, I dressed up as my friend Nathan Epps. Nate happens to be black. So what I did was wear my usual cloths I would any other day, then I painted my face with a brown face paint, to match Nates pigment. Then because my hair is nothing like his, I bought a fake afro to wear. Nothing else, no chains, no "bling", no "pimp" attire, just me, as Nate. I got many odd looks, I looked like I could have been an African American, so most of the looks were a double-take type look. I got a bunch of really positive responses, such as, "man thats soo cool," "you totally look like Nate," and my favorite, "your my hero man." But apparently there was a lot of talk behind my back, by people I thought were my friends. Some people called me racist. I didnt understand this, because I'm not being racist. The dictionary defines racist as, "hatred or intolerance of another race or other races." This is not me, not today, not ever. I do not have a hatred or intolerance for any race, and if I was racist against black people, I would most certainly not have been one for halloween. And I would most certainly not have from moment of getting on campus sought out my "fellow" black students.

My history teacher Mrs. Brown asked me if I had gotten any negative feedback, like being called racist, I sayed no, because at the time, i was unaware of the back talk about me. She was surprised, then she asked me if I knew who the "black faces" were. I did, but I hadnt thought about it earlier, she then went on to explain how back in the 1920 through 40s white people would paint their selves black and would mock black people. I thought about this for a while. I'm not mocking anyone, I'm not doing anything of a mocking fashion to offend African Americans. Then later, my friend say, "copying is the highest form of flattering" then went on to explain how me being black is equal to me loving or praising them. Then I thought more about it. And came to the conclusion that there are 3 reasons for copying: to mock, to annoy, or to show love. And I most certainly was not mocking anyone. I'm sure I annoyed a few people, but that was by complete accident, plus, if I annoy you, DONT BE AROUND ME! It doesnt help you to be annoyed and it sure doesnt help me, because, I can tell when your annoyed, for the most part. So the last option left is to show love. And unless you think that showing love to someone is racist, then I am not racist. Im quite the opposite.

One last thing I thought was very interesting about all of this, was the only people who said anything about me being racist were... WHITE! woah! All the black people I saw that day thought what I did was awesome, but for some reason the white people got offended. Would a white person be offended if a black person painted his or her skin paler and did something if his or her hair, nothing else, wore their normal cloths and acted the same as usual? Dave Chapple does it all the time, the one difference is he is there to mock, but we dont find that offensive. I dont get offended when I think about Michael Jackson's skin color change.

So really, am I racist, or is it you who is far far over sensitive about things like this, because you live in "Serrano" of "El Dorado Hills," the whitest place on earth. I'm sorry I grew up in Milwaukee were nobody was racist because everyone lived together peacefully. So shut up and suck it!

The Dream

"Last week I had the strangest dream, where everything was exactly how it seemed."

This quote from the song Sleeping In by The Postal Service describes my life perfectly. Reality is far less real than that of my dreams. The things that seem normal in to my conscious mind are incomparable to the subconscious of my dreams. In my dreams, police in the "greatest country on Earth," would never even think about shooting unarmed black protesters marching for equal rights. In my dreams, middle aged men do not kidnap, rape, and kill 8 year old girls. In my dreams, if someone has a problem with someone else, they work it out by themselves, they do not send their countries young men and women to a war over their simple grudge. My natural subconscious is unable to comprehend these acts, while my waken conscious is constantly bombarded by vision and stories of this hateful reality. The absolute corruption of the human mind has created this world. Every single human has be tainted by the reality society has placed upon us. It is cemented into our brains at a very young age, and is practically impossible to get rid of. But it is the duty of each and everyone of us to attempt to rid ourselves of the current societies rules of reality.

You may ask, "how do we rid ourselves of these rules?" Well, the answer is simple in theory, but extremely hard in practice. Be kind, be loving, be accepting, be tolerant, and be peaceful. Have integrity, have faith (not necessarily religion) , have trust, and have a voice. We can all live in a reality our subconscious' can understand if we follow these basic ideals. Debates will occur, but they will be debates, not arguments laced with emotion. People will disagree, but with patience, acceptance, and tolerance, agreements will be meet with no violence or persecution.

The problem is that we will never achieve such a society on a large scale. Because people have the tendency to do whatever will get them to the top, no matter who it will hurt. And there will always be at least one person who is willing to sacrifice everyone else, for his or her personal gain.

And that is why I sleep so much. I am simply embarrassed to live in this reality. And I would rather hide in my mind until the day I can truly be myself.

Imagine... (first rant)

...a world of people, where everyone is at peace with life. There is no such thing as hate, no such thing as prejudice. Imagine a world, where love defeats evil, where peace is the norm, where fear is truly the only thing to fear. This world could exist. It is in the hands of each and every one of us to make this world a reality. Peace is the answer, not the question. And the only way to reach it is for everyone to be at peace with themselves. Only then can we not live in fear.
We live in a world full of evil, hate, corruption, destruction. We allow ourselves to be scared into a state of acceptance. Bush was elected for a second term based off fear of "terrorism," but the only terrorism that threatened us was him. We get so scared that we turn our back on the evil that goes on. During the Cold War, America supported horrible dictators that would kill their own citizens, much like Hitler and Stalin. We supported the Government of El Salvidor when they would strip children away from their parents and work them to death in sweat shops, or would slaughter them and nail a body part to its rightful door. We trained Saddam Hussein how to be a terrorist during the the Persian Gulf war. We sent Iran weapons to fight Iraq, and we trained Iraq to work in terrorist ways against Iran, for our benefit. America only does what benefits itself. But its not the fault of the Government. It is the fault of the people of this nation. We stood by and let it happen. Democracy is a Government ruled by the people. We were conned into electing evil people who don't know the word "peace." But the great thing about our governmental system is that we can peacefully change the ruling power of this nation every 4 years. But that is not enough. We need to change the mindset of the people in America. It is not enough to elect a President that will bring change to the policies and government, we need to bring that change to ourselves. True peace can only come from a uniformed agreement between the people of a population. The agreement of love not hate, good not evil, peace not war. The agreement that it is not an eye for an eye, but a favor for a favor. The agreement that when someone loses everything, they hold on to their integrity and they work their way back up the chain.
Now, you may be saying, "this guy is a crazy, nobody will ever do that, human nature won't allow of it." It may not be human nature to be peaceful, it may not be human nature to avoid retaliation, it may not be human nature to give without expectation of a gain. But it is possible to do so. And if just one person does so, then this world will be just that much better a place to live. What good does evil do, sure it may give someone a personal benefit, but looking at the big picture it hurts society. Look at the Political Machines of the Industrial Age. There were a few big shots that owned the businesses and had millions of dollars, but would give horrible pay and conditions to the workers, who could barely live off of what they had. I know that America is a Capitalist Nation, but as humans, we don't have to be capitalist in our lives. We aren't at constant competition against other people, so why do we hurt people in unnecessary situations.

Imagine a world, where peace can be reached and sustained not by death or war, but by love and understanding for fellow man. Now stop imagining and make a difference.